Friends Unite for the Parent Fight

So last time I posted, I told you all how fed up I was with reading all these books about parenting. There weren't many practical tips and much of what was said fell into two camps: be strict and consistent or let go and love. Well, at least they helped me figure out what type of parent I am. I'm somewhere in between.

With that said, I called out to all my peeps on Facebook to see if their experience could help. Here is my original post and some of the replies. I even got one from my own mommy. See if you can guess which one is hers. Thanks, Mom! Love ya!

My Facebook Post:

So, moms and dads out there, this is for a project I am doing along with my students at school. I've been working on improving my parenting skills and dealing with the daily issues all families with young children seem to face. And, after reading several books and consulting online videos, I decided I needed to consult the experts. Yes, that would be you, my friends. I know a lot of you are parents and a lot of you aren't. But even if you aren't a parent, you can comment on things you have observed about your own parents or others you know.

You see, I'm looking to find out how to deal with the following challenges with my kids:
1) sibling rivalry
2) temper tantrums
3) whining
4) bedtime struggles

Now I know no one considers themselves a "perfect parent", but I just want to know what's out there and what's working, and maybe it will work for my family, too. Thanks for any advice, strategies, tips or resources.
Peace.

My Responses:

I saw a really neat velcro chart that had everything the child needed to do before bed on one side, then there was a "done" column on the other half. So what the child needed to do was not debatable, but the order they chose to do each task was up to them. Could be done with chores or morning routine as well.

As for temper tantrums and whining, I try to remember that kids tend to vocalize their needs in not so pleasant ways. Sometimes the whining etc comes when I've been too busy to listen to what they are trying to communicate

The only one I have a suggestion for is the bedtime struggles. My cousins kids have done really well using timers for everything. Brushing teeth, taking a bath, getting dressed for bed. 

I try to ignore mine when she whines. She gets no feedback from me (positive or negative) so she does it less and less. She tends to whine more when she's tired. If she starts getting whiny, she goes to bed. 

Mine hasn't had too many temper tantrums, but I notice she starts to act out if she's, again, tired, or hungry. If I solve one of those issues, the whining and temper tantrums stop.

The old Polish way always works for all the above.. A shot and a beer! The nice thing is it works if you have it yourself or give it to the kids!

I have a morning and bedtime routine sheet I got off Pinterest , the boys earn stars stickers if they....a. do it and b. that its done without any major issues! After a ton of stars are earned they get to pick a special event, like going out to a special breakfast or something. Works now...but they are still pretty young! 

 Don't try to be a "perfect" mom...you are a fabulous, loving, caring mom! I am so proud of you! There is no handbook for parenting (although I begged for one when my kids were little)...just do what feels right and your kids will thrive! Your kids are so wonderful and just showing that you love them unconditionally will serve them well! Love you!!! Happy Mother's Day! 

I always marveled at how my friend, Nessa, handled bedtime with her daughter and NEVER had a problem 'cause of this process: she'd tell her daughter approximately 1 hour before she expected her to be asleep and had her choose the order of bath, teeth brushing, pajamas, and storytime making a sort of game out of it. She didn't make a big deal if being in bed from night to night were off by a few minutes because the kid never resisted and felt empowered by making her own choices. Personally, I appreciated how my parents would not make it feel as if we were missing out on anything by going to sleep. They'd lower the lights and tv volume and even go through their bedroom routine at the same time so it never felt like we were being 'punished' when it was time to go to bed.

Well God knows I am NO expert, but I think that mostly children rise to the expectation that you give them, because you love them and they know it, they are naturally going to want to please you. Bed time here has never been much of a struggle, and Savanna is a 7:30 in to bed kid. I think what helps her is she listens to a book on tape or CD. She might listen to it one night or for 2 weeks solid, as long as she is quietly resting in her bed and not bouncing around it's fine. I didn't let her sleep with more than 2 stuffy friends either because I thought that she would play to much, she has grown used to the rule it's not play time so I let her have more, but if that is an issue than I would recommend just one or two that they can choose each night. It's the same at the preschool and it's hard for some of the kids to know that it's not play time, but we use quiet calming music, low lights and sometimes a child needs to be reminded so you have to sit right there with them for awhile until they are more calm, we don't expect them to fall instantly to sleep or at all if they aren't tired but resting and being quiet, is the expectation, and they seem to rise to it most of the time willingly.

But just a P.S. you are the first person that I heard (well I guess overheard) "asked and answered" from and I love it. It's been very helpful.

My all-time favorite response from my friend, Michelle, mother of 3:

1. Take time for yourself and spouse. I'm on a beach in Florida right now.

 2. We might not be the best parents, but we are doing better than some. Ultimately, we want our children to be happy, hard working, honest, self-sufficient, healthy, loving individuals. I do the best I can each day and not feel guilty when i lose my patience. 

3. I seriously want to move to a small town and keep life simple and slow. I'm annoyed by the competition. Who gives a shit if your kid can read at 4 or aces standardized tests! That doesn't make a difference when you're 30/40/50/60 years old. Do what you love. Love yourself. Love life. 

4. Sibling rivalry. It's normal and healthy. They need to learn how to deal with it. Intervene when one is getting hurt. 

5. Temper tantrums. Ignore them. Stop worrying about what others think (if in public). Anyone with kids understands or they are lying. Or at home I tell them to go to their room and let their cry out. 

6. Whining. I learned this in a teaching class: say "that's whining. Whining doesn't work in this house. Please use your words." Repeat. 

7. Bed time struggle. Consistency. And locking him in his room.

8. Morning: coffee. Night: wine and high five my husband for making 3 of the coolest people I know. 

The Woes of Parenting

Things I've Learned I'm Doing Completely Wrong

1) Everything.

2) Everything else.

3) No really, everything.

So I completed three parenting books, and let me tell you, they are COMPLETELY different. Now I'm so confused, I don't know what to do. One book says "Do-this-and-you-will-help-your-kids'-self-esteem" and the other says "Do-this-because-you-are-the-parent-and-they-are-spoiled-entitled-brats" and the final one says “Quit-yelling-you-are-the-problem”. Really? Who should I believe?

I’ll provide a brief quote from each book and my assessment. Hopefully, you’ll understand my dilemma:

1)      How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and How to Listen So Kids Will Talk  by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish 

Quote: “We want to create an emotional climate that encourages children to cooperate because they care about themselves, and because they care about us. We want to demonstrate the kind of respectful communication that we hope our children will use with us” (88).

My Thoughts: Yes. That’s true, but tell me HOW, please.

2)      Have a New Kid by Friday by: Dr. Kevin Leman

Quote: “If you talk to a fisherman, he’ll tell you that in order to land the fish, you’ve got to keep tension on the line. You don’t give that fish any slack. If you give it slack, not only will it jump out of the water, but it will scrape its jaw against the bottom of the creek to try to get rid of the hook. To catch that fish, you have to keep the line consistently taut. If you suddenly drop the pole toward the water, you’ve developed slack in the line, and you give the fish the opportunity to get off. Then it’ll be pretty tough to catch that fish again. The good news is, if you child is thrashing as he comes out of the water, you’ll know you’re on the right track” (82).

My Thougts: Well, I guess this metaphor means I’m supposed to treat my kids      as animals        meant to be tamed? If that is the case, then my kids are definitely in the “thrashing” stage. For example, here is a typical morning with my three-year-old, Emma: I serve her milk in    the pink drinking cup NOT the green, I put out her striped pants NOT the jeans, and I select the princess shirt NOT the plain one, all in an effort to avoid the inevitable screamfest, but      the screamfest comes anyway because I have forgotten to push her chair in just so, or I am      standing the wrong way or I didn’t give her the banana with the skin on NOT off even        though yesterday I gave it to her with the skin off and you would have thought that I just           killed her dog. So if I consulted Dr. Leman about this, he would say “Hold the line taut and    don’t give in”. I think I can do that. Easily.

3)      Is That Me Yelling? A Parent’s Guide to Getting Your Kids to Cooperate Without Losing Your Cool by Rona Renner, RN

Quote: “Anger is probably unavoidable. But becoming more aware of your anger – whom or what you are really angry at and how you choose to express it – can actually help you stop yelling…Your anger can be diffused or ignited. It’s your choice, once you understand your goals and learn new skills” (55).

My Thoughts: This is true. I also was impressed with this book’s set-up. The                     first part gives the reason for anger and how to understand it, and the second part               gives everyday strategies for yelling less. I found it practical, precise, and pretty                 spot-on.

Yet even after putting some of these strategies in action, here is my dilemma: I still suck.

So what do I do now?

My Plan of Action:

I am going to seek out help from the experts: other parents. My plan is to open my blog up to my friends on Facebook (my preferred social media network; although thanks to my students I am officially a member of Twitter even though I haven't checked it once and still don't know how to use it). I am going to post a weekly parenting question on Facebook and see what kinds of responses I get from the numerous moms and dads I'm friends with online. I know them. I trust most of them, and I'm thinking that the "experts" may have some faults. I'd like some practical and useful tips versus theory.

So, I will end this post with another picture to remind you that I have the most wonderful and beautiful children in the world (no sarcasm intended). I still love these guys! I guess I’m not doing EVERYTHING wrong.

Helpful Videos This Week

1-2-3 Magic -- 3 minute Videos

YES! 3 minute videos. I have this book, but the videos are great!

Dinnertime:  https://www.youtube.com/user/123MagicParenting
 I love that this video gave some quick and easy tips about how to get kids to eat and it's common sense. I don't know how I feel about using a timer, but I'm going to try it! I'll let you know.

Bedtime: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mJJr1HOZ0j8
So, yeah, kinda helpful. I guess I could try sitting in front of her door the "catch them at the pass" method, but that really doesn't allow me to relax and watch TV or talk with my husband. I'm going to have to look for more information on this.

Apologies: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g4gh0mw1Roc
I like what this one had to say. Sympathy and compassion need to be modeled. Forcing apologies doesn't really work. I see my son do this a lot. Apologies shouldn't be a punishment. So, how do I get my kids to sincerely apologize for what they do wrong?

Jimmy Kimmel Video: This was just for fun! Jimmy gets parenting advice from kids in this video. Hilarious! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vbVnVrQsh_U

Information OVERLOAD!

So, since I last discussed my 20-Time goal, here's what I've done:

1) I started to make a list of informational resources. And that list is SOOOOOO long. First I went to my favorite place for book recommendations: Amazon. Here I looked for the highest ratings and best reviews on parenting books out there. The titles were endless, which tells me that this might not be as easy as I thought. I ended narrowing my search  and purchasing just one title: How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish. It was highly rated, got great reviews, and was even called the "Parenting Bible". So, I bought it.

But then I also got a title from my daughter's daycare lady, who keeps a library for parents. When I asked her what book she has that most parents check out and benefit from, she immediately told me about this one: Have a New Kid by Friday by Dr. Kevin Leman. So, I checked it out.

But then I got a surprise gift from one of my students! He came and delivered a whole stack of books from the local library for me. I was flattered by his concern and support. So now, I have an even more extensive list of books to read. My plan is not to read ALL of them, but to find excerpts that help me with each of my identified goals for improving my parenting.  Here is the list of books (which vary greatly and some are even very controversial!):

Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother by Amy Chua (I read a NYTimes article about this one...don't think it suits my style, but I will give it a shot)

Bringing Up Bebe by Pamela Druckerman (I saw this online and read some reviews. Highly controversial since it is a French mother who "criticizes"  American's parenting style)

What Every 21st Century Parent Needs to Know by Debra W. Haffner (I dunno. Might be good)

The Entitlement-Free Child by Karen Deerwester (very accessible)

Is That Me Yelling? by Rona Renner, RN (Sounds like me!)


2) I've scheduled a routine bi-weekly date night! Yes. I think that in order to be a better parent I need to have a stronger connection with my husband, so I have a girl at my daycare who has been bugging me to babysit (we never get babysitters) and I just asked her. Now every other week we are going to go out for dinner for two hours. This is going to give us a chance to talk about our parenting in a place NOT in front of the kids like we have been. I plan on sharing some of the stuff I learn so that Ed and I are BOTH on the same page in terms of raising our children. Plus we get some "non-parent" time. Win-Win.

3) I've looked for a mentor. This has been tough. I could go with other mothers I know, but they all have unique situations and they all admit that they are not "experts". So, I looked online at family psychologists in the area. I found a couple, and I plan on calling them during 20Time this week or next. I'm worried about whether scheduled visits will cost anything or if insurance will cover it. I will also need to commit time for this and probably set up more childcare (another added expense). I just wish I had a "free" helper. I'll keep looking.

Well, that's it for this week. What I will focus on for next week: how to stop yelling/how not to lose my cool with my kids. Time to hit the books!

It's 20-Time AGAIN! Yay!

It's a new school year, and yes, I'm attempting the 20-Time project again with my juniors. I can't wait to see the new goals, projects, successes and failures the second time around!

This year, though, I am going to attempt my own 20-Time endeavor. It's a personal one. I am going to work on being a better parent. Yes, I have two wonderful children, Edju and Emma, and they are the joy in my life, but our days have gotten harder. Trying to balance work and life has its challenges and oftentimes my home life can be chaotic: yelling, sibling fist fights, crying, whining, struggles at dinnertime, bedtime, toothbrushing, bathing, potty-training, etc. It can be overwhelming, and I need to figure out how to improve our lives as a family. Family the most important thing in the world to me.

So, what's my plan? I definitely need to read, research, and seek out help from experts on what I can do to improve this area of my life. I plan on first looking up reviews for parenting books, actually finding a book to read, and then seeing what's out the web. Each 20-Time I will focus on different troublesome area of parenting, and I'll watch YouTube videos, read articles, and/or even attempt to find some family counseling. Like many of my students, I just don't have enough time. This 20-Time will be my chance. It will also be a model for my students.

Final 20-Time Presentations

20-Time Lightning Talk Reflections -- Final Exam Presentations*

Goals of this Presentation:

•  Reflect on the 20-Time experience, your goal, and your learning
• Practice 21^st Century communication and presentation skills
• Share and learn with others 
• Show awareness of your audience

What IS a Lightning Talk?

“Think of the lightning talk as a narrative [a personal story] with visual aids — someone once told me presenting a lightning talk is just like having a conversation with the audience where they [the audience] doesn't speak for five minutes.” It’s sharing your 20-Time journey in an abbreviated fashion.

After presentations, the audience will get a chance to comment on or ask questions about your 20-Time experience. You will be responsible for participating in this discussion as well.

How long should it be?

No more than five minutes. “Here's the secret; No one cares if your lightning talk only lasts four minutes. No one cares if it lasts three. I've seen talks that last two minutes and the crowd loved it. But everyone cares if it lasts six — especially if the important point you need to make happens at five minutes and 10 seconds. At conferences [and in this class] with strict time keeping you'll be cut off at five, and no one will hear what you were actually trying to say.”

A timer will be used to ensure presentations do not go over 5 minutes.

What should I talk about?

What it is you say or don’t say is completely up to you. However, you will need to include an honest and specific reflection on the following (in whatever form you see fit):

Your 20-Time goal (and how it changed or adjusted)

What you learned (both academic and non-academic lessons)

Struggles/challenges and how you did/didn’t tackle them

Accomplishments/pride points

Plans for/Effect on your future related to 20-Time goal

How should I present my 20-Time story?

You MUST use Microsoft PowerPoint. I will combine each presenter’s PowerPoint presentations together for quick transitioning on presentation day.

Tips for your PowerPoint slides:

·         up to 15 slides, timed to take no more than 5 minutes in total; 15 slides = exactly 20 seconds each

·          the slides should be visually engaging photos, illustrations, or drawings (NO TEXT!) NOTE: "Remember, the slides are to show things to the audience, not to help you remember what you're talking about." You may include a title slide with your name and the title of your project (This is the ONLY text allowed)

·         no audio, video, or animations

·         you will start talking as soon as the first slide appears

·         please use your own photos or a public domain or Creative Commons images http://creativecommons.org/. If you must use other people’s copyright images, please provide a legible credit/source in small type in a corner of that slide

When do I present?

You will sign up in class next week to present either Monday, June 9^th in class OR on exam day. Monday will be limited to 10 presenters. You will present in the order you sign up.

Other important details?

Submit your completed PowerPoint presentation to me by email before Monday, June 9^th (before 1^st hour).

Your presentation will be worth 50% of your exam grade. Your final exam is worth 20% of your semester grade.

A specific scoring rubric will be provided in class.

Important Note: PRACTICE!

“When it comes down to it there's only one way to make sure that your talk will fit in the time-slot, and that's to practice it. Read it out aloud several times. Present it to the cat. Try to convince your colleague/flatmate/significant other to listen to it. Not only will this give you the most accurate understanding of how long it'll take to say everything (and believe me, you'll be surprised at what bits go quickly and what bits drag), but it'll also help you realize what bits can be cut and replaced. It'll also give you confidence and experience in the talk, so you can actually present it slightly quicker.”

Watch a sample Ignite talk here: http://scottberkun.com/2009/how-to-give-a-great-ignite-talk/

*Post created by Sarah Hechlik with excerpts taken from “Giving Lightning Talks” by Mark Fowler at http://www.perl.com/pub/2004/07/30/lightningtalk.html  and The DNA Symposium website at http://www.dnasymposium.com/lightning-talks/

Here is a tentative scoring rubric: 

20-Time Lightning Talks – Scoring Rubric                           Name: __________________________

Assessment Criteria:

Content                                               5              4              3              2              1

Student includes a concise discussion of the following:

·         His/her 20-Time goal (and how it changed or adjusted)

·         What he/she learned (both academic and non-academic lessons)

·         Struggles/challenges and how he/she did/didn’t tackle them

·         Accomplishments/pride points

·         Plans for/Effect on the future related to 20-Time goal

Organization                                      5              4              3              2              1

·         Presentation does not exceed 5 minutes

·         Presentation follows a logical order

·         Ideas/thoughts are easy to follow

Presentation Skills                          5              4              3              2              1

·         Student speaks clearly and confidently

·         Student has practiced to avoid stutters, pauses and ums/likes

·         Student makes eye contact with audience and avoids reliance on the visual

Effective Visual                                                5              4              3              2              1

·         Student uses no more than 15 slides

·         Visual is clear and professional

·         Images are appropriate and relevant to the task

·         Images enhance ideas

Final Written Reflection              5              4              3              2              1

·         Typed and written in complete sentences

·         Thorough and specific

·         Honest and clear

Comments:                                                     Total Points = _______/25 X 2 = __________/50 points

Reflections

Wow! What a week! We officially hosted the 1st Annual 20-Time Project Fair and it was a success in my eyes. However, I did learn a lot to help me continue with the project next year, and I even learned some things I need to focus on for the end of this year.

Much of the feedback I got was collected from an anonymous survey I gave to each of my students. It was heartwarming and heartbreaking to hear some of the comments. Heartwarming because many of the comments showed me that this project is meaningful and powerful. Heartbreaking because negative comments hurt me. This is my life's work and passion. No one likes to hear negative things about something to which they dedicated a lot of time and energy. I do take my work personally. However, I will say there were a lot of honest and thoughtful suggestions which I welcomed and will incorporate in the future.

Successes:

• All but one student attended the fair, which is a feat in itself. Overall 42 active and involved students attended an after school event for SCHOOL. Here is a video and small photo collection from our fair:

• All of my students were professional, prepared, and amazing! I was really proud. Unfortunately, I'm not always good at expressing my gratitude and awareness of students' hard work as I would like to be. But I am always amazed by what my students are capable of. Because I didn't get a chance to make it around to everyone's table, I made it a point to post a comment on these student's blogs. 
• A HUGE turnout -- over 150 people attended -- parents, students, friends, staff members, administrators, community members, etc.
• Hach Center as a venue was a good choice -- open area, well laid out, plenty of space, decent cookies, all prepared for us, etc.
• Here are some student comments from the survey: 
• "I talked to a lot of people and I felt confident" 
• "The fair was great! I enjoyed seeing many faces who didn't have 20 time in their classes. They came to support and it was fun to have a full house"  
• "Honestly, I think everything went well. Everyone looked very professional and sounded genuinely interested in their topics. It was a really cool experience" 
• "I thought the environment and energy was awesome - I really liked that we were able to do it in the Hach Center outside of school. I also loved how interested all of the students were in each other's projects"

Difficulties/Improvements for Next Year:
1) Time: Some said not enough time; some said just right. There is a delicate balance; too much time and it interferes with after school things -- too little time and it is rushed. An hour and a half seems good (Plus 30 minutes to view each others' projects ahead of time as most said they enjoyed this part)

2) Venue:There was a debate over whether to have it outside of school or in school like senior projects. Some suggested a weekend event. Many liked the setup, yet many felt they weren't in an area that people visited. Overall, many said they thought the Hach Center was a good choice.

3) Competition Aspect: Eliminate the competition completely due to feelings of judgement and insecurity, and it does go against the goal of the pitch. I needed to provide clearer expectations on what to have. This was not easy to do because I don't feel it is a "one size fits all" project. I will show examples next year, but I don't want all the presentations to be the same.

4) Other things needed: name tags (duh!), something like a "wine-tasting" list of blogs to visit with a raffle if people turn them in at the end, host/hostess/ushers for directions and instructions (also to help with voter fraud), etc.

5) Awareness of Blog Addresses: Advertising/marketing skills need to be emphasized more at the pitch. Perhaps we could partner with the Marketing class?? Doing the Pitch earlier in the year will help students understand that the Pitch is an event used to get people to follow their blogs.

6) Content: I need to place more emphasis on the "process" of learning vs. the "product" of learning. Many of my students have been trained to "do school" instead of explore learning on their own. I also need to discuss further connections to IB Learner Profile and Common Core skills in English to help with more practice on what to expect for potential questions at the fair. These were areas in which students felt unprepared. Responses to the survey showed that they felt their project should have been finished at the fair, which is NOT the case. I need to clarify this more.

Things I plan to do before the semester ends:

1) Have students visit FutureMe.org http://www.futureme.org/ as a way to remind them of their goals when school gets out.

2) Create a final reflection that will help me assess overall effort, ideas for next year, and the impact of the assignment. I want to ask about how much time was spent outside of class and what students have learned so far (6 + 1 Writing, research, oral communication, IB Learner profile, etc.)

3) Create a Scavenger Hunt to encourage people to look at each other's blogs and challenge each other.

4) Finalize the culminating presentation for the final days of school.

5) Identify and address more specific criteria for improving the writing on student blogs. Here is a useful website I found for students to look at to improve the quality of their blogs: http://www.getbusymedia.com/the-secrets-of-creating-a-killer-blog-post-infographic/

Students visiting my site: Please comment on my blog with any questions, comments or suggestions!