Friends Unite for the Parent Fight

So last time I posted, I told you all how fed up I was with reading all these books about parenting. There weren't many practical tips and much of what was said fell into two camps: be strict and consistent or let go and love. Well, at least they helped me figure out what type of parent I am. I'm somewhere in between.

With that said, I called out to all my peeps on Facebook to see if their experience could help. Here is my original post and some of the replies. I even got one from my own mommy. See if you can guess which one is hers. Thanks, Mom! Love ya!

My Facebook Post:

So, moms and dads out there, this is for a project I am doing along with my students at school. I've been working on improving my parenting skills and dealing with the daily issues all families with young children seem to face. And, after reading several books and consulting online videos, I decided I needed to consult the experts. Yes, that would be you, my friends. I know a lot of you are parents and a lot of you aren't. But even if you aren't a parent, you can comment on things you have observed about your own parents or others you know.

You see, I'm looking to find out how to deal with the following challenges with my kids:
1) sibling rivalry
2) temper tantrums
3) whining
4) bedtime struggles

Now I know no one considers themselves a "perfect parent", but I just want to know what's out there and what's working, and maybe it will work for my family, too. Thanks for any advice, strategies, tips or resources.
Peace.

My Responses:

I saw a really neat velcro chart that had everything the child needed to do before bed on one side, then there was a "done" column on the other half. So what the child needed to do was not debatable, but the order they chose to do each task was up to them. Could be done with chores or morning routine as well.

As for temper tantrums and whining, I try to remember that kids tend to vocalize their needs in not so pleasant ways. Sometimes the whining etc comes when I've been too busy to listen to what they are trying to communicate

The only one I have a suggestion for is the bedtime struggles. My cousins kids have done really well using timers for everything. Brushing teeth, taking a bath, getting dressed for bed. 

I try to ignore mine when she whines. She gets no feedback from me (positive or negative) so she does it less and less. She tends to whine more when she's tired. If she starts getting whiny, she goes to bed. 

Mine hasn't had too many temper tantrums, but I notice she starts to act out if she's, again, tired, or hungry. If I solve one of those issues, the whining and temper tantrums stop.

The old Polish way always works for all the above.. A shot and a beer! The nice thing is it works if you have it yourself or give it to the kids!

I have a morning and bedtime routine sheet I got off Pinterest , the boys earn stars stickers if they....a. do it and b. that its done without any major issues! After a ton of stars are earned they get to pick a special event, like going out to a special breakfast or something. Works now...but they are still pretty young! 

 Don't try to be a "perfect" mom...you are a fabulous, loving, caring mom! I am so proud of you! There is no handbook for parenting (although I begged for one when my kids were little)...just do what feels right and your kids will thrive! Your kids are so wonderful and just showing that you love them unconditionally will serve them well! Love you!!! Happy Mother's Day! 

I always marveled at how my friend, Nessa, handled bedtime with her daughter and NEVER had a problem 'cause of this process: she'd tell her daughter approximately 1 hour before she expected her to be asleep and had her choose the order of bath, teeth brushing, pajamas, and storytime making a sort of game out of it. She didn't make a big deal if being in bed from night to night were off by a few minutes because the kid never resisted and felt empowered by making her own choices. Personally, I appreciated how my parents would not make it feel as if we were missing out on anything by going to sleep. They'd lower the lights and tv volume and even go through their bedroom routine at the same time so it never felt like we were being 'punished' when it was time to go to bed.

Well God knows I am NO expert, but I think that mostly children rise to the expectation that you give them, because you love them and they know it, they are naturally going to want to please you. Bed time here has never been much of a struggle, and Savanna is a 7:30 in to bed kid. I think what helps her is she listens to a book on tape or CD. She might listen to it one night or for 2 weeks solid, as long as she is quietly resting in her bed and not bouncing around it's fine. I didn't let her sleep with more than 2 stuffy friends either because I thought that she would play to much, she has grown used to the rule it's not play time so I let her have more, but if that is an issue than I would recommend just one or two that they can choose each night. It's the same at the preschool and it's hard for some of the kids to know that it's not play time, but we use quiet calming music, low lights and sometimes a child needs to be reminded so you have to sit right there with them for awhile until they are more calm, we don't expect them to fall instantly to sleep or at all if they aren't tired but resting and being quiet, is the expectation, and they seem to rise to it most of the time willingly.

But just a P.S. you are the first person that I heard (well I guess overheard) "asked and answered" from and I love it. It's been very helpful.

My all-time favorite response from my friend, Michelle, mother of 3:

1. Take time for yourself and spouse. I'm on a beach in Florida right now.

 2. We might not be the best parents, but we are doing better than some. Ultimately, we want our children to be happy, hard working, honest, self-sufficient, healthy, loving individuals. I do the best I can each day and not feel guilty when i lose my patience. 

3. I seriously want to move to a small town and keep life simple and slow. I'm annoyed by the competition. Who gives a shit if your kid can read at 4 or aces standardized tests! That doesn't make a difference when you're 30/40/50/60 years old. Do what you love. Love yourself. Love life. 

4. Sibling rivalry. It's normal and healthy. They need to learn how to deal with it. Intervene when one is getting hurt. 

5. Temper tantrums. Ignore them. Stop worrying about what others think (if in public). Anyone with kids understands or they are lying. Or at home I tell them to go to their room and let their cry out. 

6. Whining. I learned this in a teaching class: say "that's whining. Whining doesn't work in this house. Please use your words." Repeat. 

7. Bed time struggle. Consistency. And locking him in his room.

8. Morning: coffee. Night: wine and high five my husband for making 3 of the coolest people I know.