Things I've Learned I'm
Doing Completely Wrong
1) Everything.
2) Everything else.
3) No really, everything.
So I completed three parenting books, and
let me tell you, they are COMPLETELY different. Now I'm so confused, I don't
know what to do. One book says "Do-this-and-you-will-help-your-kids'-self-esteem"
and the other says
"Do-this-because-you-are-the-parent-and-they-are-spoiled-entitled-brats"
and the final one says “Quit-yelling-you-are-the-problem”. Really? Who should I
believe?
I’ll provide a brief quote from each book
and my assessment. Hopefully, you’ll understand my dilemma:
1)
How
to Talk So Kids Will Listen and How to Listen So Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber and Elaine
Mazlish
Quote: “We want to create an emotional climate
that encourages children to cooperate because they care about themselves, and
because they care about us. We want to demonstrate the kind of respectful
communication that we hope our children will use with us” (88).
My Thoughts: Yes. That’s true, but tell me HOW,
please.
Quote: “If you talk to a fisherman, he’ll tell
you that in order to land the fish, you’ve got to keep tension on the line. You
don’t give that fish any slack. If you give it slack, not only will it jump out
of the water, but it will scrape its jaw against the bottom of the creek to try
to get rid of the hook. To catch that fish, you have to keep the line
consistently taut. If you suddenly drop the pole toward the water, you’ve
developed slack in the line, and you give the fish the opportunity to get off.
Then it’ll be pretty tough to catch that fish again. The good news is, if you
child is thrashing as he comes out of the water, you’ll know you’re on the
right track” (82).
My Thougts: Well, I guess this metaphor means I’m supposed to treat my kids as animals meant
to be tamed? If that is the case, then my kids are definitely in the “thrashing”
stage. For example, here is a typical
morning with my three-year-old, Emma: I serve her milk in the pink drinking cup NOT the green, I put
out her striped pants NOT the jeans, and I select the princess shirt NOT the plain one, all in an effort to avoid the
inevitable screamfest, but the
screamfest comes anyway because I have forgotten to push her chair in just so,
or I am standing the wrong way or I
didn’t give her the banana with the skin on NOT off even though yesterday I gave it to her with
the skin off and you would have thought that I just killed her dog. So if I consulted Dr. Leman about this, he
would say “Hold the line taut and don’t
give in”. I think I can do that. Easily.
3)
Is That
Me Yelling? A Parent’s Guide to Getting Your Kids to Cooperate Without Losing
Your Cool by
Rona Renner, RN
Quote: “Anger is probably unavoidable. But
becoming more aware of your anger – whom or what you are really angry at and
how you choose to express it – can actually help you stop yelling…Your anger
can be diffused or ignited. It’s your choice, once you understand your goals
and learn new skills” (55).
My Thoughts: This is true. I also was impressed with this book’s set-up. The first part gives the reason for anger and how to understand it, and the
second part gives everyday strategies
for yelling less. I found it practical, precise, and pretty spot-on.
Yet even after putting some of these
strategies in action, here is my dilemma: I still suck.
So what do I do now?
My Plan of Action:
I am going to seek out help from the
experts: other parents. My plan is to open my blog up to my friends on Facebook
(my preferred social media network; although thanks to my students I am
officially a member of Twitter even though I haven't checked it once and still
don't know how to use it). I am going to post a weekly parenting question on
Facebook and see what kinds of responses I get from the numerous moms and dads
I'm friends with online. I know them. I trust most of them, and I'm thinking
that the "experts" may have some faults. I'd like some practical and
useful tips versus theory.
So, I will end this post with another
picture to remind you that I have the most wonderful and beautiful children in the
world (no sarcasm intended). I still love these guys!
